Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sticky - Existential Warrior
A couple of years ago to amuse myself at work, I started creating stick figure cartoons using leaves from a sticky pad. Later on I branched out into using the backs of receipts as well. (That's just the kind of guy I am.) In any case, I've been reviewing them and think the first one I created is my favorite. Enjoy!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Beat-A-Matic 2000
So my youngest daughter was being kind of nasty today when I got home (She seems to be going through some kind of phase - for details, see my wife's blog.) and it got me to wishing for the Beat-A-Matic 2000.
What's that? You say you've never heard of the Beat-A-Matic 2000?! The handiest parenting device for the lazy parent since television?!
Well, alright - that's probably because it's something I thought up when I first realized that one of my responsibilities as a dad is to be the disciplinarian.
See the trouble with laying down the law and then enforcing it, is that you become the bad guy. And who really wants that? It's certainly not something I imagined when I was thinking of becoming a parent.
*A younger me thinking aloud* "Hmmm... perfect! And then I'll be the bad guy."
In any case, the Beat-A-Matic 2000 solves that problem handily. It's a spanking robot that you keep in your closet. Then, whenever your kids are being bad, you just press a button, and - viola - the Beat-A-Matic 2000 appears magically to discipline your kids. And best of all, you can act as surprised as the kids. "No, Beat-A-Matic, no! Don't beat my children!" Now you're the good guy and your kids still get disciplined.
Ah, the Beat-A-Matic 2000 - it might be my best uninvented invention yet.
What's that? You say you've never heard of the Beat-A-Matic 2000?! The handiest parenting device for the lazy parent since television?!
Well, alright - that's probably because it's something I thought up when I first realized that one of my responsibilities as a dad is to be the disciplinarian.
See the trouble with laying down the law and then enforcing it, is that you become the bad guy. And who really wants that? It's certainly not something I imagined when I was thinking of becoming a parent.
*A younger me thinking aloud* "Hmmm... perfect! And then I'll be the bad guy."
In any case, the Beat-A-Matic 2000 solves that problem handily. It's a spanking robot that you keep in your closet. Then, whenever your kids are being bad, you just press a button, and - viola - the Beat-A-Matic 2000 appears magically to discipline your kids. And best of all, you can act as surprised as the kids. "No, Beat-A-Matic, no! Don't beat my children!" Now you're the good guy and your kids still get disciplined.
Ah, the Beat-A-Matic 2000 - it might be my best uninvented invention yet.
Friday, May 2, 2008
When Harry In Real Life Met Sleepless Sally In Seattle ...
She Was Wearing 27 Dresses, Carrying A Little Black Book, And Trying To Lose A Guy In 10 Days After Attending 3 Weddings And A Funeral Where She Was Always A Princess Bridesmaid And Never The Princess Bride (Nor The Corpse) ...
Have I left any of them out?
Romantic comedies - they're so awesomely formulaic! I just watched one tonight with my wife. And by "watched one with my wife", I mean she chose it, then promptly fell asleep. Which, ironically enough, is how I end up seeing most romantic comedies these days - with the woman of my dreams snoring in my lap while I watch two confused souls:
meet,
fight,
realize they are all wrong for each other,
fall in love,
realize maybe they aren't all wrong for each other (but that they can't tell each other),
have some bad thing happen (usually caused by the man, but sometimes by the woman),
separate on bad terms,
pine for each other (cue the scenes of them at work, visiting former haunts, watching the phone ring, listening to answering machine messages, blah, blah, blah, while staring mournfully into space),
have an epiphany (true, he's a jerk who trashed my name publicly, but we're *meant* for each other),
race to catch the other before they leave, *gasp*, forever (nooo! don't get on that plane, she really does love you!),
joyously, tearfully, tenderly reunite, and then ...
"One Year Later"
get married before a happy party of family and friends who knew they were meant for each other all along and have magically decided to let bygones be bygones.
The brilliance of the formula has inspired me to invent what I am sure will become my legacy - "Microsoft RomantiComeditron XP" - a little piece of software (for Windows only, sorry Linux lovers - no pun intended) that takes two names and automatically generates a brand new romantic comedy. Now we can literally have 10 or 20 new romantic comedies premiering each year ... um, wait a minute ... we *already* have 10 or 20 new romantic comedies premiering each year. (HEY, did someone steal my idea? What's a man got to do to get a legacy around here?!)
What? ... What's that?
Sorry, I've got to go - my wife just told me she could never be married to an insensitive jerk who doesn't love romantic comedies. It's time for me to go pine (cue scenes of me staring mournfully at the computer screen while sad music plays in the background).
Have I left any of them out?
Romantic comedies - they're so awesomely formulaic! I just watched one tonight with my wife. And by "watched one with my wife", I mean she chose it, then promptly fell asleep. Which, ironically enough, is how I end up seeing most romantic comedies these days - with the woman of my dreams snoring in my lap while I watch two confused souls:
meet,
fight,
realize they are all wrong for each other,
fall in love,
realize maybe they aren't all wrong for each other (but that they can't tell each other),
have some bad thing happen (usually caused by the man, but sometimes by the woman),
separate on bad terms,
pine for each other (cue the scenes of them at work, visiting former haunts, watching the phone ring, listening to answering machine messages, blah, blah, blah, while staring mournfully into space),
have an epiphany (true, he's a jerk who trashed my name publicly, but we're *meant* for each other),
race to catch the other before they leave, *gasp*, forever (nooo! don't get on that plane, she really does love you!),
joyously, tearfully, tenderly reunite, and then ...
"One Year Later"
get married before a happy party of family and friends who knew they were meant for each other all along and have magically decided to let bygones be bygones.
The brilliance of the formula has inspired me to invent what I am sure will become my legacy - "Microsoft RomantiComeditron XP" - a little piece of software (for Windows only, sorry Linux lovers - no pun intended) that takes two names and automatically generates a brand new romantic comedy. Now we can literally have 10 or 20 new romantic comedies premiering each year ... um, wait a minute ... we *already* have 10 or 20 new romantic comedies premiering each year. (HEY, did someone steal my idea? What's a man got to do to get a legacy around here?!)
What? ... What's that?
Sorry, I've got to go - my wife just told me she could never be married to an insensitive jerk who doesn't love romantic comedies. It's time for me to go pine (cue scenes of me staring mournfully at the computer screen while sad music plays in the background).
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